Bullies In Our Midst

What is going on with all the bullying? And the suicides? What is happening to our society? I am sick, just absolutely sick to my stomach about it. What are we teaching our kids, or not teaching them, that is making bullying so prevalent, and suicide the method to stop the bullying?

I am following the Phoebe Prince story and the information this week about the DA actually criminally charging the bullies. What a horrible, tragic story. I am so angry at everyone involved. The school, the community, the bullies. How have we let it get to this point? Are our children becoming more mean and vicious? Why? Where are they learning this behavior and where are the adults to stop it? Is this just another byproduct of the wonderful entitlement attitude this country’s youth has adopted? I don’t remember it being this bad when I was growing up. But I do still remember in minute detail one incident.

When I was in junior high, a new girl came to our school. She immediately became one of the most popular girls. She was mean. The epitome of a mean girl. We were kinda friends, meaning she didn’t latch onto me as someone to tease, and I stayed clear and kept our interactions to, “Hi how are ya.” I remember sitting in Biology class one day, and there she was – I’ll call her Cara – because that was her real name. (I’d add her last name, but don’t remember it – she was only at our school for one wretched year.) Cara was in all her glory with her posse of adoring fans all around her. Her eyes latched onto her poor unfortunate victim – a boy – Gabe - a few rows away. Cara proceeded to loudly catalog his wardrobe for the day, stating what it was, where he must have bought it, and how much he must have paid for it. She compared each item with what she was wearing, the brand, and price. The disdain and disgust in her voice was obvious. Gabe never said a word. Didn’t even acknowledge he could hear her, but how could he not? I could hear her, and I was further away than him. Her cronies snickered right along with her. It was awful. I know it sounds so petty – but it was so mean-spirited and evil, that to this day – over 20 years later – I still remember it vividly. And I feel guilty. Why didn’t I say anything? Why didn’t I speak up? I know why – because I wanted to save myself, and speaking up would have made me her next victim. Oh, how I wish I would have had enough confidence to not care.

My son is in Kindergarten. And right now, we’re in the middle of a quasi-bully situation. There are two little boys he is friends with that he looks up to and plays with, but I hear his stories – those boys aren’t his friends. They’re bullying him, and he doesn’t even see it. I am caught – how to step in? What to say? How to say it? It’s not obvious bullying, but they’re abusing him – taking advantage of his good nature and kind spirit. How do ensure I instill confidence in him so he is never a victim, and never has a guilty conscience?

When I was a new mom – even before I was a mom – I had very definite ideas about how I would raise them. (Oh if only I’d written them all down! They’d make fantastic foolish fodder now!) With my son, I started early on the manners, the ‘being a good boy’ schtick. Taught him never to hit, can’t be mean, always tell your teacher. And then a while back (year? Two years?) Oprah had that series about bullying. I Tivo’d it. Watched it. And changed my tune. Now, I have taught my six year old it is okay to fight back, hit back, talk back, and that I will support him. I am also teaching him that he must stand up for others. It’s his job – OUR job – to not look the other way. If we don’t speak up, we’re sending a message to bullies that their way is the right way.

Bullies come in all shapes and sizes, and they’re everywhere, not just on the playground. They’re in your mommy group, your PTA, your work group, your gym, your newspaper, your government, your neighborhood. They are counting on you not to speak up, to be polite, to lack the confidence to stand up. I’ll be watching this case to see how it pans out. Imagine. Justice. Bullies being punished with shame (and maybe jail time) instead of being rewarded with silence and acquiescence.

I have enough confidence to stand up. And I do, often. I will not be a victim. I speak up. For myself. For my children. For my friends. For strangers. For Gabe.